Behold:

This is Adventures in Film Theory. Enter, if you dare. Or turn tail and run. In either case, the stink of these adventures is already on you.

Crank 2: Best Movie Ever

Crank 2: High Voltage.

I am SO, SO, SO disappointed in my friends. I always preach the gospel of Crank 2 to anyone who will listen. They either think I’m crazy, or take me up on my challenge of watching Crank 2, and are then ASSURED I am crazy.

“That movie was shit, man.” That’s what they say!

“Wait, what?”

“Dude, there’s no way somebody could fall from a helicopter and survive.”

“No fucking shit! It’s not supposed to be real.”

“And he’s out there on the horse track having wild sex because the friction will keep his heart implant going? No way.”

“Yeah, of course not. Dude! You totally missed the point. It’s supposed to be ridiculous. In fact, it’s supposed to be ridiculous as it possibly can be. Isn’t that obvious?”

“I don’t know man, I don’t think any of that is stuff is possible. It’s not realistic.”

“You go to movies because they’re realistic?”

SERIOUSLY. I DO NOT GET IT.

Crank 2 is one of the BEST MOVIES EVER. Wake up and smell the coffee, yo! Chev Chelios! Make it a trilogy!

Don’t take my word for it. Listen to respected critics who know exactly what I’m talking about.

The A.V. Club gave it their highest rating, for Pete’s sake. No shit! You know it’s rad when a legit critic goes gaga.

From How Did This Get Made:

Why can’t more movies be like Crank 2? Sure it’s racist, sexist, implausible and disgusting, but that’s what makes it so much fun!

From Rotten Tomatoes:

Tasteless, trashy and totally over the top, Crank: High Voltage might also be one of the year's most inventive movies. Sometimes, nothing exceeds like excess.

Hello, yes!

Not everyone has a taste for gun-wielding strippers and Godzilla parodies, but for those who do, Crank High Voltage is like a 1,000-volt shot to the heart.

Oh my, yes!

Writer-directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor have written their own set of action-comedy challenges, and they slam-dunk pretty much every one.

Oh heavens, yes!

The result, an eye-popping strobe of flesh and blood, is as visually stunning as it is absurdly offensive, sure to thrill some while leaving others in a state of outrage-induced catatonia.

If you have not seen Crank 2: High Voltage, I recommend (nay, INSIST), you run, don’t walk to your local video rental store.

No wait, just download it on iTunes.

Please! I beg of you!

We Have to Talk About Pat Explanations for Evil in Horror Films

The Ascent of the Werewolf Movie