Those Damn, Dirty Ewoks!
My first instinct was to say Jar-Jar Binks (that old standard); but then I remembered Jar-Jar was a terrible character in an equally terrible movie.
I know - it’s so boring to hate on the Star Wars prequels - folks have been doing it for twenty years (20, really??? Yikes!).
I’m not even a big Star Wars fan, barely a casual one - but I remember walking out of that film asking my friends, “Dude, did anybody hate that movie as much as me? Like, hate from the very core of their being? The way they’ve never hated anything in their life?”
And then of course there’s Cameron Diaz in Gangs of New York. Boy, what a stinker! Was she Irish or just stupid? The worst!
And also, Heather Graham in Austin Powers: the Spy Who Shagged Me. Nobody’s claiming the Austin Powers trilogy was Shakespeare, but I recently bought the three movies (thinking they must still be the good silly fun from my youth). I couldn’t even get to Goldmember, and only twenty minutes into Spy Who Shagged Me because Graham’s line delivery was painful - and in an Austin Powers movie! Oof - it hurt my parts!
But bring it back to Star Wars, good Lord a’ mighty, the EWOKS are the WORST! Seriously, Return of the Jedi is not good for many reasons, a point I have to constantly reiterate to people who have not seen the film since they were kids. It’s really, really bad, and worst of all are those stupid Ewoks.
I found myself rooting for The Empire on Endor. Every time those stupid, giggling freaks sling-shotted a rock to take down a laser-shooting Walker (excuse me, All Terrain Scout Transport), I wished it would fall over, then roll and roll forever across the planet, killing every Ewok who ever lived and destroying all signs of their civilization. I caught myself thinking, “The Death Star is not good enough for them; it’s too quick!” I wanted the Ewoks to be hunted down one by one and skinned, becoming rugs in the winter-planet ski chateaus of the Empire’s VIPs.
I want a movie made that is nothing but a super-cut of Ewok’s being slaughtered to the last fertile member. Wipe out those “yub-nub” singing doofuses, and in haste!!!