Star Wars Movies Are Terrible, Just Terrible

The Last Jedi, The Force Awakens, Rogue One. We’ve heard the names. And they’re all terrible, just terrible.

I guess I’m just not a diehard enough fan. The Star Wars mythology was enjoyable. I had the toys. There were tons of great characters. But it never sunk its teeth into me. It never got in my blood.

And now it just bores me to tears.

The original trilogy will always be a classic, but it seems like there’s nowhere left to go, and the movies are branded to the point of lifelessness. Disney has pretty much sucked the personality out of the films. Understandably, they’re investing a ton of money and don’t want anything too quirky, but it will be the death of the franchise. And the films are all actually quite well done, not like those infamous prequels.

Not that I care.

For a film franchise with about a bajillion interesting characters about whom a bajillion interesting stories could be told, the movies just put me to sleep. I can’t even focus on them. I find my mind wandering. I find myself thinking about sweeping the house, paying my bills, and other chores.

It’s like I’m obligated to be wowed by all this space bullshit, and all these iconic characters back at it again. And I feel like it should be entertaining. I feel like I’m obligated to be entertained. but I can’t even focus on the plot or the characters.

It’s a blockbuster for our times. Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

I can’t even tell where I am in the films because it’s all the same thing, over and over again. I keep snapping my head back to the screen, saying “Wait, where are we? Who are these characters? What are they doing again? What’s the mission? What’s at stake?”

It seems like someone always has to get a piece of technology inserted somewhere, but to do so a base has to be stormed, against what we’re told are impossible odds. And this same scenario doesn’t just play out over the course of the film, but sometimes five or six times in one movie. Or am I just having deja vu all over again?

There’s lasers being shot back and forth. Yippee. Those laser sounds are sure familiar.

All the old Star Wars machinery is brought out again, a galaxy-wide effort to recycle the imaginative efforts of a generation or two past. Obviously just to throw the fans a bone.

All the while, I’m like, “What’s happening again? There’s another emperor character and this guy is like the new Vader? Isn’t the same story just being told over and over again?”

There’s some light saber sounds and a super boring light saber fight.Whoohoo. Light saber fights were never that exciting as fight choreography, but we’re going to keep doing that.

Chewbacca makes his high-pitched grunts or squeals or whatever you call them. In The Last Jedi there’s some subplot about him and chickens? Like he ate the little bird’s mother or something so he has to be their mother now? I have no idea what’s going on here.

Then part of some ship explodes in space. A swarm of TIE fighters, X-wing fighters, this fighter, that fighter shoots through space, getting blown up.

There’s some rousing speech. Everyone cheers and is inspired to fight again.

The Rebels live to resist another day, like we even care about them or their cause at this point.

And frankly, you start to see where the Empire is coming from. Maybe all these annoying characters whose names we can’t remember SHOULD be wiped from the galaxy.

Has it ever been tried? Maybe it’s just what the galaxy needs, and these Rebels are hindering progress.

The Empire has clearly achieved some kind of bureaucratic efficiency, what with all their massive public works projects. They’ve built an infrastructure of some kind, and maintained it. People are working, although we never see them doing so. Still, someone has to be building all these spaceships and laser cannons, right? They don’t just appear when the Emperor snaps his fingers, do they?

So there are jobs, and people are living normal lives, supporting space families on Gargantuan 9, or whatever fucking planet.

So you gotta blow a planet of Ewoks up from time to time. Big deal. They’re annoying little shits to begin with.

With all the species variety in the Stars Wars universe, does anyone think a planet full of poor man’s panda bears should stand in the way of everyone else’s prosperity? I can’t even remember why the Ewoks, or their planet, were a target, and I literally could care less about finding out. I just want them to die in a genocidal bloodbath.

And these movies are so boring, they give me time to think.

So for instance, the Rebels have a plucky, independent spirit — but how would they govern, if actually given political power?

Would they even be capable of building ships that could traverse the cosmos? If they were the ones building the spaceships, my guess is that the spaceships would fall apart the second you went into hyperdrive. The whole fucking thing would come apart, because the Rebels wouldn’t know what to do once the romantic business of rebelling was done.

Who wants to get down to the hard work of designing, engineering, and building an X-wing fighter when all you’ve been doing is pulling out a blaster and shooting Guidos your entire life?

It’s easy to be against something. But what are you capable of building once you’ve taken over?

Seriously, Han Solo is a hero? When is a productive member of society ever portrayed as a hero in Star Wars? Like, never. It’s always some fancy-dancing fuckface, with zero marketable skills. Unless you consider dangerously waving around a light wand a marketable skill.

Or sitting in a tree stump for millennia, waiting for the messiah to come. Are we all supposed to do that? Are Yoda and Obi really mentors? Frankly, they seem like leeches in retrospect.

But do you? Do you, really?

Sure, Rebels can fly an X-wing fighter and blow up a bunch of things someone else has built. But honestly, have they ever built anything themselves?

It seems like they haven’t. It seems like they rely on the innovations of the Empire to then, in turn, destroy the Empire.

I’ve never seen the manufacturing plants of the Rebels. Have you? Methinks the Rebels just sit around dicking off until the next battle, talking revolutionary grab-bag. With rich princes and princesses footing the bill. It’s really pretty gross, when you think about it.

There’s a deep irony in the Star Wars universe, and we never get to see it portrayed. Yet we’re supposed to sit there and shell out our hard-earned dollars so we can watch Chewbacca ululate? No spank you.

Those are my two cents.